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November 2017

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I’ve been slowly reading a book about dealing with childhood abuse and it is hard!

I avoid emotion for the most part. It goes to a point and then I retreat and move on to something else. I’ve just realize this has been a pattern for me.

When I found out what they do to animals who are used as food I went crazy and wanted the world to know. I felt so helpless. What could I do quit eating meat? Who am I? One person. Sign petitions all day and hope it reaches the right authorities and never seeing improvement.

I was so into it and wanted to pass information on and share with  other animal lovers so I made hundreds of animal friends. Joined groups. Just dove right in.

Now it breaks my heart! I can hardly look at my Facebook! Every hurt animal I see is like getting hit in the chest and my heart bleeds. I avoid those emotions. But doesn’t everybody? No one actually wants to be upset do they?

I thought about it and I don’t watch movies that provoke emotion. I don’t get close to people because I’ve been screwed so many times. I do realize now that I got screwed by so many people because I put myself in the role of victim. I’m not sure how yet but it’s a start. I’ve been setting up boundaries and leaving the most important element out of the equation.

I attract people who have problems. I always have. Years ago my sister asked me why out of all my friends I’m their only friend. I thought about this for years trying to figure it out. I always thought it was my humble nature and my willingness to listen and sympathize. I keep my mouth shut and I have character. Good character. I have integrity. My morals are in perspective. I don’t judge. Just because it’s not right for me doesn’t mean it’s not right for others.

I have my idiosyncrasies so I overlook a lot. If you can deal with me and my moods I’ll deal with your [non]issues. I say non-issues because it’s not like these people have any intentions of changing anything. Instead they complain about what’s happened to make them the loser they choose to be when they could put that energy towards making some life changes and becoming a more stable.

I knew this girl she had the same problem for years. We would have an intense conversation. We would go over the pros and cons. Discuss solutions. After that I felt like I really helped someone only for her to go back to the same thing only to have to repeat the same talk in again.

There was another guy who was always “catching up” on his bills. I mean this was his life’s goal (which I don’t think he ever achieved). I don’t think you ever “catch up” on your bills. It’s an ongoing process. He took out a bunch of loans with high interest rates thinking he’d get himself out of this hole he always thought he was in. I tried to tell him taking out loans will bury you! That isn’t a good plan. He’d say, “I know.” That would be that. Do you know how annoying it is to know someone for years who is fighting a losing battle? There is no help for someone like that.

People that focus on monetary properties never reach their goal. No matter how much money they have it won’t be enough. It’s not how much you make it’s what you do with what you have. There was a time in my life when I spent all the money I had no matter what. I had to have that Peppermint Patty (and I hate those). I would empty my purse out to get those five pennies! One day I got tired of being broke and dealt with it.

I have made some decisions with people who are drawn to me. If they are still dealing with the same problems years after I know them it’s time to move on.

It’s funny because people who are mentally and emotionally stable love me. I’m that person who attracts animals and kids. I’m really good with kids and they listen to me well. I love that because they don’t do it out of fear like I had to. They do it out of mutual respect. I’m especially good with kids who are hyper I understand they need more reminders. I don’t like spoiled children though. I keep my distance with them at first. Some come around and some don’t.

People who actually get to know me usually love me no matter what their state of mind or anything else. I don’t initiate friendship very often (which is something I need to deal with eventually.)

It’s funny because I can breakdown people and almost know in advance what will happen.

The control freak will get mad at me about some stupid thing they think I should or shouldn’t have done and quit speaking to me. They usually come back. The addicts will just drift off to the next victim. Men love me forever (I believe this is because I’m emotionally unavailable-they need that challenge.)

I’m also wondering how my past has effected my children and if there’s any insight I can give them to avoid being where I am. I wasn’t abusive but I was neglectful at times. Structure wasn’t my gift although I was stable in some ways.

I’ve overcome a lot of areas in my life and I have to say God is a big part of that for me. He’s been the one constant thing in my life or at least the one thing I always turn to. I’m big on the 12 steps even though I only know the basic idea. Instead of using them for addiction I used them for mental illness. Every that I come up against that I can’t handle I put it in God’s hands.

 

 

 

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