But this time it’s different. I have hope.
I’m facing my feelings for the first time ever in my life. I have to laugh at some of the ways I’ve looked at things in the past. No wonder my sister called me Brain Dead!
So I’m not suicidal. Yet I feel that worthlessness. There’s an ache in my heart but it’s not so bad. I’ve avoided feeling for so long I was almost paralyzed by fear to actually take this step.
I’m going to try to use this site more and start writing things down. My offline journal is so far empty. I’ve read the thought questions and have thought about them but haven’t written my answers. I’m wondering if they’ll change with time.
The most encouraging thing about this whole process is that I’ve already overcome a lot of issues on my own without even realizing it so I’m further than I thought.
Yes I have those suicidal feelings and old familiar thoughts flashing through my brain. But I’m not considering the pros and cons or making a specific plan. In fact deep in my soul I feel very peaceful and calm. These feelings that I have avoided for so long are really only surface feelings compared to the calm stillness in my soul. I just have to learn a new perspective and I don’t think it’s going to take as long as I thought it would.
I’m being creative and expressing my emotions through sounds and music and video. I got a bunch free stuff online and have been really having fun with it. It’s helping me immensely!!
It’s kind of hard though I see why musicians get paid so much (other than the fact that people will do anything they can to avoid themselves). My dinky little program is nothing compared to what real musicians have! Yikes