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March 2018

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But this time it’s different. I have hope.

I’m facing my feelings for the first time ever in my life. I have to laugh at some of the ways I’ve looked at things in the past. No wonder my sister called me Brain Dead!

So I’m not suicidal. Yet I feel that worthlessness. There’s an ache in my heart but it’s not so bad. I’ve avoided feeling for so long I was almost paralyzed by fear to actually take this step.

I’m going to try to use this site more and start writing things down. My offline journal is so far empty. I’ve read the thought questions and have thought about them but haven’t written my answers. I’m wondering if they’ll change with time.

The most encouraging thing about this whole process is that I’ve already overcome a lot of issues on my own without even realizing it so I’m further than I thought.

Yes I have those suicidal feelings and old familiar thoughts flashing through my brain. But I’m not considering the pros and cons or making a specific plan. In fact deep in my soul I feel very peaceful and calm. These feelings that I have avoided for so long are really only surface feelings compared to the calm stillness in my soul. I just have to learn a new perspective and I don’t think it’s going to take as long as I thought it would.

I’m being creative and expressing my emotions through sounds and music and video. I got a bunch free stuff online and have been really having fun with it. It’s helping me immensely!!

It’s kind of hard though I see why musicians get paid so much (other than the fact that people will do anything they can to avoid themselves). My dinky little program is nothing compared to what real musicians have! Yikes



3 comments on “Familiar Feelings of Suicide

  1. Bless! To the average person comprehension of suicidal thoughts is unreal. Only us who have been coping with them truly understand the nature of the beast.

    Hold your beautiful head high and walk boldly through the fog.

    August 22, 2002 I actually committed suicide and thanks to a relentless pair of paramedics and the hands of some higher power I was revived. Spent a long time on life support and here I sit today.

    (If you wish read my blog “I Committed Suicide Once)

    Suicide kills the whole family – not just one member.

    Through that experience I learned that if I speak blatantly about my suicidal thoughts I cope with them without inflicting hurt upon myself, my family or my loved friends.

    Kudos to you for being brave enough to be honest with yourself.

    Keep blogging and to steal a quote from my hippy years, “Keep on trucking!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been trying to kill myself since I was 12 years old. I’ve gotten damn close…


  2. Well, from a man and fellow human I am glad you are still here.

    Suicidal thoughts are like flesh eating disease – left alone they will consume you.

    I battle the Demon constantly – fifty – nine years and nine months now. And although I constantly consider them, I have learned most people either do not comprehend or just do not care.

    But, I also learned that there is always that one unexpected acquaintance who will be left devastated by such an action.

    I have learned to blog about my deepest thoughts and somehow it allows me to get through yet another day.

    So, hopefully, you may also find some solace in putting thought to keyboard.

    And I am glad you are here and writing about your stressors of your existence.


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