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Organized Religion vs Religious Freedom.

The mere fact that you can walk your dog religiously makes me wonder how invested these people really are. My own personal experience with religious fanatics and what you see them do. Some people are superficial and need that high from group experience. Their weekly self-esteem jab it lasts until bible study and then you get the next one. I was in that whirlwind. Then I found out they’re just as fake as anyone else maybe even more so.

I remember a man telling me my first few years into the Christian Movement. This man told me it was possible to have one on one talks with God as if He’s sitting right next to you. What kind of power-hungry motives did he say? I’m sure we’ve all heard about the mysteriousness of God…He does like to show His power in the simplest ways.

That man had to be lying to me. Now that  I look back I don’t remember getting a clear definition other than to go by the 10 Commandments.

If anyone ever says, “God told me” I’m going to consider it a red flag and get away and stay away!

This made me feel so inadequate I struggled with this for years. I asked God over and over why He didn’t sit down and talk to me like that. I blamed it on Eve for eating the apple. I blamed the fact that I was a woman. (Don’t get me wrong I was always happy as a woman. Other than a few one-nighters with my best friend 25 years ago I’m heterosexual. I actually have no sex and no desire to.)

Finally, I realized that God does talk to me. All the time.

New International Version
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~Isa 55:9

That’s why psychopaths who say God told them to do it makes me question their sincerity besides intensifying the stigma. People do treat me different when they find out I’m “crazy”.

After I divorced psycho I felt so free I did what I wanted when I wanted and let my kids do the same. No more rules and regulations! I was elated to the point of full manic and drinking with my long time drinking buddy. We could laugh for days! And we did. In the midst of all the fun, I managed to get three DUI’s and one driving while license is suspended DUI related.

I only had to do weekends but I was so scared. I just knew they were going to rape me with a broomstick or something. When they found out I took Lithium they treated me like a queen. Nobody bothered me. Except for one girl. She tormented me because I brought my bible to jail every week.

I do try to back off and just walk away but I was so fed up with this girl. God did deliver my enemy right into my hand.

We were in work release and it was her last day. She had to go to work all night and I was there with one other girl and she wasn’t about to say anything. I poured water and shampoo all over her bed so when she came in from work tired…too bad…I poured her baby powder all over the bathroom floor. I don’t know why but her thing with the baby powder really got on my nerves. I opened all her food and threw it on the bed and went to sleep, woke up the next morning and left. I heard on my next visit how she reacted and I had to laugh.

~There’s a reason they say don’t mess with the crazy person~

Someone like Andrea Yates who drowns five kids of various ages that had to take effort. I don’t think I could do it without some outburst of emotion. Can you imagine the begging and pleading that must have gone on while they watched each other get murdered by the woman who had nurtured them? The one person guaranteed to protect them destroyed them.

She knew it wrong to kill those children. It’s clearly written. You might struggle with some philosophies or ideas but that’s concrete. Thou shalt not kill we all learn it first thing. Maybe I’m wrong and casting judgment. I just wonder what she told the doctors to put her in a hospital environment instead of jail.

I know there was a time I did worry about my kids growing up and not having righteous ways. I told God to kill them if He thought it was the right thing to do. But I’d never take that into my own hands…other than my own life a few times.

I’ve tried different religious sects. They’re like separate societies with their own set of standards. The subtle differences I see in religion doesn’t seem to me like it should really matter, but people have wars over it.

I have more faith in my relationship with God than anything else. I know I’ve been chosen for His purposes. I have a well-established relationship. It’s the one thing I could always depend on. I know I’m unshakable. You can take anything from me it means nothing because what I have goes so much further. I can’t describe the feelings exactly because they go deeper than I’ve ever felt anything. Love? I don’t know I haven’t experienced it in any real context. Other than my children but I still don’t have the depth that He’s shared with me.

New International Version
The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.~Psalm 24:14.

He gives me insights and understanding and I’m pretty confident because of this. I have my moments of weakness.

What I feel on a conscience level is contentment, admiration, amazement, and as strange as it may sound fear.

I have the light of the Holy Spirit with me all the time so I don’t actually go before God. Unless I have a good reason! It’s not that I’m afraid He’ll cast me into Hell. I know where I belong. It’s the kind of fear where I refrain from certain things because I don’t want there to be any miscommunication between us. He’s so pure he can’t look at sin and if I have sin in my life He would have to turn away from me.

I will repeat that I do realize and understand very few people make it where I am in their spiritual development. I’m not saying my way is the only way either. I have no idea what route someone else should go but I try to be impartial when I talk to people who aren’t into God and don’t want to hear it like my sister Leigh Anne. We didn’t talk about her drinking or God much.

I’m not too worried about people reading my stuff I’m pretty sure not too many do. When I get the motivation to write I do it. I guess it’s a kind of release.

God will direct the people to me I need to help. I just have to work on me.

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