The worst period of my life was also the biggest enlightening’s. When I first found out I had psychosis I decided to die. I had previously made a promise to God that I wouldn’t try to kill myself anymore. I insisted that God killed me. I felt that He owed me that for making me this way. This lead to my born-again experience which I’m not going to focus on right now. I’ll tell you this when I was that new little Christian in ‘84 saying “born-again” I had no clue.
I have episodes of psychosis. My last episode was funny now looking back on it. At the time, I’m not laughing!
I have no idea what brought it up but my neighbor told me someone ripped her purse right off her arm and ran away one day. I felt instant panic. This thought grew like a virus. It took up the majority of my thoughts until it decided to nest. I pictured it over and over in different scenarios.
I started getting free old clothes at a church. I picked out clothes that were too big and faded and/or stretched out looking. And I had these shoes they were too big but I loved them! I wore them until they fell apart. I tried to think like my enemy and chose what I thought would be the best chance that I’ve to be overlooked. I have this ugly strap on a purse I hate! It’s imperative I use it. Even though I’ve had a couple purses for years that I like!
Finally, it came to a peak and I could no longer handle it. I was to the point where it was overpowering me. I couldn’t handle it emotionally any longer. Once I finally realized I was in the midst of an out of control area I thought of the 12 steps and I choose my Higher Power to be God. I’m a Christian. I’ve chosen to serve God wholly. And He has blessed me for it.
I found out a long time ago that the 12 steps parallel alcohol in that way. It’s funny because all I remember of the steps is to give your out of control area to your Higher Power. What’s neat has I met someone a few years after I had started my version of the 12 Step Program. She was in AA and showed she had the big book with her and I asked her about since I had always stuck to that one sentence. I was at level five. It was weird that I had gone up the levels and never left the first thought. It’s a spiritual walk.
The reality of the fact that one of my main goals in life was to pass as a homeless woman struck me as hilarious! If someone asks me one of my goals in life and I answer with to look like a homeless woman. I mean priorities.
I’m not exactly a fashion statement, to begin with, but I threw out all the too big stuff and traded it for joggers. The shoes fell apart so I wear actual shoes that fit.
I can’t let go of that purse though and I truly hate it! It’ll have to happen that purse is literally falling apart! It’s gross the flesh of it is peeling.
Paul said he had a thorn in his side that God never took away and I can understand why. I wouldn’t have had the experience of enlightenment. It sometimes leads to something deeper.
I have wondered if I had chosen a different Higher Power would I still have the same enlightenment? Are all these religious sects/cults serving the same two powers? Good and evil. In the end, will it be exposed that we were all on the same side?
When I found out I had psychosis I was in an episode where I had an overwhelming feeling I was being watched. No matter where I was or where I’d go they see me. Logic tells me it’s not true and I know it’s not but I still feel that way.
It became overwhelming and I had to find harmony because this is an ongoing psychosis. There are times I don’t feel it for a while then it comes back.
I remember reading part of a bible selection that said everything is laid bare before God.
This was what made me decide to be completely invisible. Everywhere. I adapted this method of coping a long time ago. Just recently I decided to take it online. Even though I had reservations about exposing myself online. I didn’t want to lose myself like so many seem to online. The may expose parts of themselves but they’re still hiding behind a mask.
I do want to clarify one thing. The 12 steps are for everyone and each person has their own design. It’s a spiritual journey and not everyone has to get their spirit the way I do. If people would get together and talk about these sacred works I think it would be like putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Hate won’t let that happen. At least not in a global form.