I don’t know why I let the stigma and taboo of mental illness get to me. Suicide is real. We need to talk about it and talk each other through it!
I posted about how I was thinking about suicide. I’m not going to do it. I’ve come so close there is some reason I’m to be here.
So I told myself as I was going through the suicide moment that it would pass. It always does. And I was thinking about this foreboding dark period. I realized usually after a period of darkness there’s a time of great elation and I end up thanking God I didn’t die.
I’ve decided I really need a support system in my physical life. So I thought I’d start going to the coffee shop. They don’t have the best coffee but they have a lot of social gatherings. I’m going to go there and just sit and watch people while I drink coffee (or water). I hope they have smoothies or something. A friend of mine told me she had gone to a coffee shop a couple times a week for a year before she ever spoke to anyone.
I was also thinking of going to a mental health group. I used to like church but I’m not crazy about the church idea. Maybe I should force myself but the thought of church gives me an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I don’t think I could deal with another religious fanatic or the ones that make me their project? I’ll fight with myself forever on that one.
There are also some meetup groups that would be good for business I’m going to check out.
The library always has activities too.
So that’s my plan.
I want to be a productive member of society. It’s time to branch out into the community. A little at a time. I’m going to do the coffee shop thing first.
But and this is a big BUT I do have some anxiety about going out at first and I’ll need to get passed this. First I’m going to buy all new clothes. This major fear of being robbed has to stop if it’s mean to be and it happen’s well I just hope God has mercy on me and it’s not too terrible. My time of wearing ill-fitting shaggy garments is over. I don’t have to look like I have absolutely nothing. Except maybe to the Dr’s office. It’s time to reinvent myself. My goal is to be as “normal” as I possibly can be and still be myself.
I have to keep the too big shoes though they are just for around here they’re great even if they do make me shuffle my feet. I must be a real site!
And now I rock from side to side almost constantly.
Actually, I don’t mind it at all. It’s other people pointing it out. I have to wonder what they are thinking about me. I’m rocking back and forth constantly standing or sitting. Side to side I should say. They probably think I’m crazy! I know it’s one of my meds but I don’t know which one. My pharmacist recommended Cogentin. Why not? What’s one more pill? Because on top of that, my hands shake from the Lithium. I wonder if people think I’m some kind of basket case.