Do you have thoughts and feelings you go over from your past and you can’t seem to get over things? I had that so bad I was haunted with an abusive childhood. It took up so much time and energy. I would find myself thinking negatively about my abusers and hating and resenting them.
These feelings will eat you up and steal any happiness you have. Not good!
I now have profound peace in my life but it was a process. Things don’t change overnight.
I had a therapist that gave me a great visualization tool to help me.
In your mind have a room just for you. Make this room all you’ve ever wanted in a room. Use your favorite colors or colors you like together. Picture tons of plant’s if you like. Make it a bedroom or sitting room or even a cozy den.
This is your special place. Make it everything you’ve ever wanted.
Set aside a time to go to this place. I would use bedtime to go here. Go over things that bothered you that day. If it was something someone said to you think about what it was and why it bothered you. Why are their words so important to you? Does something they said trigger something about your past? Does it somehow feed into an insecurity? Where does this insecurity come from?
Since you can only change yourself try to get to the bottom of where this insecurity stems from. Think about the person. What may be going on in their life? Did they point out a negative quality of yours out of their own insecurities? This happens a lot. People use insults to build a false sense of security for themselves by putting others down. This is only a temporary fix because when you’re gone from their life they are still stuck with themselves. People don’t like to look at themselves.
Maybe this person was just giving you constructive criticism and meant the best for you. Do you have trouble excepting your faults? Why?
Be honest with yourself be open to your positives as well as your negatives.
Think about what will happen next time you’re confronted with this situation.
Remember a wise man overlooks an insult. That way to overlook an insult is to understand why someone is insulting you. It’s either because they like you and want the best for you or it’s because they are projecting their own insecurities onto you. Most people don’t even realize they’re doing this it’s so ingrained in who they are.
You can’t change how people treat you. You can only change how you see it and how you react to it. I personally just agree and then process it later. Sometimes you can confront the person and if they’re doing it out of concern you can put their concerns to rest. If they are doing it out of insecurity sometimes there is no talking to them because they will continue to walk in blindness and there’s no point in arguing for the outcome to come up empty.
In this time, you spend with yourself use reasoning. What would be the best course of action? Is this a person who you need to cut out of your life because they are toxic? Is this a person you work with and have to be around? If it is determined how to handle this person in the future. Picture different strategies you can use to handle this.
Using anger is not the answer. A kind word turns away wrath. So maybe if you say something like, “I appreciate your opinion, but I don’t think that applies to my life in this situation.” or “Maybe you’re right I’ll have to think about this and maybe apply it to my life.” or “I don’t think your insults will improve this situation. We all have areas we need to work on.”
Let them know your feelings in a reasonable way, not in anger that will only fuel the situation.
Spend as much time as you need to doing this. It really only takes a half hour. Eventually, you will no longer have to picture this room and use this exercise it will become natural and you’ll be able to size up a situation on the spot in most cases.
If you have a memory from your past the constantly ruins your day use this time to come to terms with these raging feelings you can’t seem to control. I’m talking about abuse basically.
Think about what may have made this person do this. Did they have abuse in their lives? Was it a substance abuse issue? Remember people with substance abuse issues are sick. They aren’t healthy and can’t possibly handle situations to promote a good outcome. What could you have done in that situation? Were you powerless? Do you have resentment because of this? What is the best course of action to take now? Usually, that’s forgiveness.
I didn’t say it was going to be easy.
Forgiveness is important to set yourself free from a lot of negative feelings that will only work against you in everyday life.
It’s hard to forgive an injustice especially when we were young. We were powerless and vulnerable.
Use understanding. Try to understand that this person was hurting. Whatever brought them to this place in their lives must have been a series of bad experience themselves.
There is nothing you can do that will take away what they did. You can only change how you perceive the incident(s).
Practice forgiving. When it comes to mind during the day tell yourself you won’t think about that until you spend time in your “room”. Then go over it. Cry if you need to cry. Be mad! Realize that you have good reason to be angry over this. But accept that it’s over and be glad! You will never have to go through it again. This is a relief.
Let yourself feel how you want to feel about it and then come to terms with what you have power over. Write them a letter (that they may never see). Get your feelings out.
Remember that your are unique and special. You are the only person in the world like you. You have gifts (even if you don’t see them right away) and you are special. You have rights and people have violated them. Think about how this made you come to be the person you are.
What is it about a past abuse that made you insecure? Come to terms with it and understand that you may have build insecurities based on lies. Think about your good qualities and what made you have these qualities. Were you born with a great personality? Are you funny? What strengths have you gained along the way?
Every experience you’ve ever had has made you the person you are today. Think about what you need to change in yourself to be better? Are you bitter? Think about what made you bitter and forgive!
Forgiveness isn’t always the easiest thing. It took me years to forgive my father (and my third-grade teacher for that matter) but after realizing what made him do the things he did and putting my feelings out there for me to deal with I got over it. There are still times I hope he’s in hell, but I catch myself and shake it off and let it go.
People always get what they deserve eventually. When someone does something to me now a lot of times I just leave it to “karma”. I know they’re miserable and it will only get worse for them. I’m no longer glad about it and wait like the Cheshire cat, but I feel bad for them and for the situation. Things could have been productive and healthy between us but because of the way they look at circumstances and deal with them things didn’t turn out for the best. I learn from it and move on because the next person will be a whole new learning experience.
I hope this little exercise helps you it helped me.